The problem: When my child expects something and is disappointed, they accuse whoever changes the plans of lying.
Acknowledge their confusion.
Do: Explain what happened and why that led to the situation changing, but don’t expect your child to see it the way you do. Many kids see unfulfilled plans as broken promises, and broken promises mean deception.
Give the disappointment time to run its course.
Do:
- Share a time when you were similarly disappointed and how you got over it.
- Suggest another way you can have fun.
- If your child is dealing with lots of changed plans, think about ways to make your child feel like you and other people around them are reliable.
Don’t write it off as silly.
Don’t dis your child’s feelings 鈥� even when they’re accusing you of lying after you called off a hike because it’s storming. Let them have their feelings. Show curiosity about how they came to the conclusion that you’re lying.
Express your interest in their feelings.
Say: “You feel like I let you down. That’s terrible. I hate feeling disappointed, too. I can see why it makes you mad at me. It seems to you that I caused this change of plans…”
Don’t undermine their growing sense of justice.
Don’t say: “I’m not the weather god; it’s not my fault! You need to realize sometimes things don’t turn out your way!”
Why
Kids have a hard time distinguishing disappointments from broken promises and white lies from outright deception. For kids, truth is an absolute thing and you have a lot of power!
Also, kids have a tough time understanding multiple causes. Therefore, A is caused by B and B is to blame. By talking it out, you can help your child develop a more nuanced understanding of how things happen and change.
Check out The ultimate guide to social-emotional learning for parents. In our guide, you can see all the aspects of SEL that we cover — from nurturing self-awareness and self-control to building resilience, motivation, and purpose.
