The problem: My child denies doing things to not get in trouble.
Connect honesty to your family values.
Do:
- Explain why your family cares about honesty.
- Explain that you will always value your child telling the truth.
- Explain that when you’re honest, people trust you — and it feels good to be trusted.
Consider your child’s perspective.
Do:
- Empathize with your child. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the truth, isn’t it.
- Show that you see how your child is feeling. You really, really wanted that, didn’t you?
Focus on understanding, not punishment.
Do: Help your child see that you sympathize with their feelings even if you can’t allow them to have whatever they want. Wouldn’t it be fun if you had a magic wand and could have everything you wanted?
Don’t label your child a liar.
Don’t call your child a liar. Young children experiment and all children lie at some time or another. Maybe your child tells stories because they don’t feel empowered. Maybe they’re especially creative or smart; maybe they’re afraid of getting in trouble; maybe they’re afraid of something else.
Explain why honesty is the best policy.
Say:
- “Our family tells the truth, even when we’re afraid we won’t get what we want.”
- “Making up stories can be wonderful, but people don’t like to feel tricked by stories. It makes people not believe you next time.”
Don’t respond with anger.
Don’t say: “Don’t lie to me like that!”
Why this approach to honesty works
Lying can mean a lot of different things. Some young children have difficulty shifting between fantasy and reality; others use lying as a strategy. Instead of using a label, like Liar!, be playful and curious about what your child’s thinking.
Some young children are experimenting with having private thoughts and are experiencing the boundary between themselves and others for the first time. Some are afraid of the consequences if they tell the truth or are simply afraid of their parents’ disapproval.
Some children are modeling grownup behavior. Think about your own behavior. Does your child hear you telling white lies? Try to understand how your child might be getting the message that lying is an effective way to get what they want.
Check out The ultimate guide to social-emotional learning for parents. In our guide, you can see all the aspects of SEL that we cover — from nurturing self-awareness and self-control to building resilience, motivation, and purpose.
