The problem: My child only listens when I yell.
First, stop yelling.
- Catch yourself when you’re about to yell. Notice how your emotions are escalating — before they overtake your better judgment. Take deep breaths to calm yourself and think about speaking the way you like to be spoken to.
- Have a heart-to-heart when you’re not mad. How do you want to talk to each other? What are some kinder but equally effective ways to express anger? Agree on alternatives to yelling. You could come up with a code word for when you’re serious. Or say that you feel frustrated or upset instead of yelling. Sign an agreement to use these yelling alternatives.
- Think about what it may mean for your child out in the world if they’ve learned that they only have to cooperate when the volume is turned up.
Model positively managing your emotions.
Do: Tell your child you’re going to work on managing your emotions. Be transparent about how you’re feeling and what you’re doing to calm yourself down when you’re frustrated.
Don’t: Don’t get hijacked by your emotions. Emotions are powerful, and they can get downright destructive. But don’t let them take over.
Say
- “We have to change how we communicate, and we need to begin now. We’re both responsible for the bad vibes between us sometimes, and I’d like to hear your ideas about how to fix this.”
- “I want to feel heard and respected, and I want the same for you. How can we communicate to make this happen?”
Don’t say
“Why can’t you listen!? You’re driving me to madddddddnesss!”
Why this approach to stopping yelling works
Children learn more from what we do than what we say. When you yell, you teach your child that yelling is the way to make things happen. Naming your emotions — I’m feeling frustrated — actually helps you calm down.
Yelling may seem efficient in the moment — it can even save your child’s life. Look out for that truck! But in less life-threatening situations, yelling creates drama when you really want to solve problems. Yelling is a sign you’ve lost your head, and you can’t solve most problems without your noggin.
