The problem: My child refuses to do homework alone and always wants help with homework.
Appreciate your child’s willingness to ask for help.
Do: Being good at learning requires a balance between persevering on your own and asking for help. You want your child to do both, and it’s great they trust you enough to ask for help. Pat yourself on the back for that!
Put a positive frame around the problem.
Do: Instead of focusing on how they shouldn’t ask for help, get your child to realize that doing homework independently is a great goal. Get them to challenge themselves and see how long it takes before they come to you for help. Then give them lots of praise for becoming more independent and resilient.
Consider whether this is a sign of something bigger.
Do: Though this behavior is quite common, it also can be a symptom of a larger learning or emotional issue. If you’re concerned, ask the teacher or your child’s pediatrician whether your child should be assessed for a learning disability or other issue.
Don’t confuse your needs with your child’s needs.
Don’t: At the end of a long day of working, cooking, cleaning, it’s hard to deal with a child who wants your undivided attention. But here’s your challenge: though you may need a break, your child may actually need your help. Many kids don’t get enough help in class and asking for assistance at home isn’t lazy; it’s a sign of conscientiousness.
Say
- “I’m tuckered out but I really want to help. Why don’t you get started and I’ll join you in a few minutes. I’m glad you ask for help when you need it, but I also want you to feel confident about working independently.”
- “You can do it. You’re doing great! Try to finish this section by yourself, and then I’ll look at what you’ve done.”
- “Tell me how you could find this information without me.Say I was the student, and you were the teacher, how would you help me do more on my own?”
Don’t say
“Don’t expect me to do your homework for you! I’m busy!”
Why this approach to requests for homework help matter
It may be tempting to get mad about how you just need a break. And let’s be clear: it’s fine to tell your child you’re tired and you can’t help. But making your child feel like a burden does more damage than good. And it won’t solve the problem of your child’s refusing to do homework on their own.
The best way to help is to make sure your child starts to recognize the complicated feelings that make us want to give up. Fear, anxiety, pessimism all can push us to give up when we hit roadblocks on a project. The first step in dealing with these feelings? Recognizing them.
