The problem: My child pretends their homework is done when it isn’t.
Step back from the immediate issue.
Do: It’s easy to think about this as a homework problem, but it’s not. It’s about your child not feeling comfortable about what’s really going on. The key is to open the lines of communication so you can address the bigger issue.
Think about how your child benefits from this behavior.
Do: Could your child feel shame about not finishing that lying feels like the only way out? Is your child caught in a cycle of avoidance that is only getting worse? Have you seen this behavior before? Is there a pattern? Could there be something irresistible (e.g. a fun sibling, a video game) that is drawing your child’s attention? Getting into your child’s head will help before you broach the topic.
Don’t assume you’re being manipulated.
Don’t: Kids are brilliant and emotional beings who are good at getting what they want. They will try anything to protect themselves from some emotional apocalypse. Sometimes this means telling lies. This ends up making many adults regard their kids as master manipulators. This arms-length labeling (however tempting) is a distraction because it undermines your ability to get at the why. Why is your child willing to tell untruths to get out of homework? What are the underlying emotions?
Deliver a message in a calm voice. Just state the observable.
Say: “Yesterday you told me you were finished with your homework but it wasn’t done. Let’s look at it now to make sure it’s done, okay? Looks like there’s a little more to do. How about you get this done, and then let’s talk about how to make sure you’re successful getting your homework done every day.”
Offer to listen and help — in that order.
Say: “Let’s talk about this homework thing. How are you feeling when you do homework? Sometimes you say your homework is done when it isn’t. Why do you think this happens? What’s the best way for me to help?”
Don’t focus on the deception.
Don’t say: “I take this very, very seriously. Lying is wrong! You need to be honest, and if you don’t, I’ll never trust you!”
Why this approach to homework matters
It may feel like this is the important thing, because you want your child to understand that lying is just plain
wrong. But making an issue of it won’t help you solve the problem with homework.
The lies could be fantasies, overly optimistic assessments of “done”, avoiding the shame of not knowing how to do the work, or the fear of punishment. Focusing on the bad behavior on the surface may prevent you from finding the deeper truth.
